if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize