Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
