I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
