Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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