My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
