you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How does one acquire holy water?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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