I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
