Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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