All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
