There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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