theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
