I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
