I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
