Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
