you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
