the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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