but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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