i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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