I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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