I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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