Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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