Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
