my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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