I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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