I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
