The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
