my phone needs a breathalizer
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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