My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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