i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
