I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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