I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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