so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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