cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize