If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
