Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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