are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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