I heard we made out
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize