you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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