Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Randomize
