So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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