I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
