I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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