Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
