I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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