The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
