There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
