my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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