if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
