Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
