Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
