Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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