1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
