also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
