I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
