I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
