If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
