pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
