do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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