More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
