Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
