When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
