He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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