On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
