you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
