the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
