I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
