I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
