I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
