Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
