there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
